Wednesday, July 22, 2009

My Plan for a Longer Summer and Reduced Economic Stress

After suffering through yet another unimaginably and excrutiatingly LONG winter, I have come up with a 10 year plan to ensure that Old Man winter never disturbs us again. As an added bonus, many of my "solutions" can help take us out of this economic downturn and reroute us n the road to global success! It may have some undesirable consequences, but I think overall, it may be worth it.

  1. Ensure your TV is on all day long. Even if you are not home. And if you have more than 1 TV, make sure it's on too. If everyone of us does this, it will ensure that we continue to draw as much power as possible which helps to ensure that we continue to burn fossil fuels and increase carbon emissions into the air. Over time this should help to increase the over all temperature. As an added bonus, if you have children, make sure that they watch as much TV as possible. They say that for every hour of TV a baby watches ever day, they lose 6 words. That is 6 fewer words per hour to ensure they ask fewer questions, and the TV keeps them occupied so that we can ensure we have more time to follow the other steps in my master plan.
  2. Eat Shark Fin Soup. The shark is one of the oldest creatures on our planet today. They are also at the top of the food chain in the largest, most important ecosystem that we have. Right now, not nearly enough sharks are being killed for their fins and thrown back into the water (the rest of the shark isn't very tasty). There are far too many of these maneaters alive. If we can manage to knock out the sharks, all the other animals below them will get a better shot at life and eventually eat all the plankton that provides the single greatest consumption of carbon dioxide in the world. If the plankton is gone, we will have a much greater chance at increasing the global temperature. This is essential in our plan to have a longer summer. You may also consider killing off lions and bears too.
  3. Petition your government to increase globalization. We should be able to get whatever we want, whenever we want it. If I want fruit that grows only in Australia, it better darn well be able to get to may plate right now. This is pretty obvious. The farther something has to come, the greater costs of getting it there. This not only boosts the overall economy, but it also keeps me happy. Never shop local.
  4. Use disposable diapers. A baby will use approximately 10,000 diapers from birth to potty training. Each of these diapers takes approximately 500 years to decompose. Each diaper also requires about 2.3x more water to produce than cloth takes to clean. Disposable diapers also contain chlorine, dioxin and other toxic and carcinogenic chemicals that make sure our medical system continues to thrive. Not only that, but you will also input approximately $2000 into the economy (compared to about $500 using cloth including the cost of washing & drying). If we all have as many kids as possible and all put them in disposable diapers, we can ensure that important toxins, human waste and petroleum products are returned to the soil.
  5. Sell your Honda & buy a Hummer. Duh. This one's a given. Hummers obviously burn more fossil fuel and put out more carbon dioxide. Plus you'll look really cool. Maybe you should hang some of those silver testicles on the back too. Then you'll look extra cool.
  6. Move Inland. If you live in a coastal area, you may want to consider moving inland. I figure living in Alberta, we should be relatively safe when the ocean begins to rise. The rocky Mountains should protects us for at least a while. Unfortunately one of the drawbacks of losing winter is that the icecaps will probably melt. But over all I think it's worth it. If you live close to the equator, you may want to move either north or south as well. Temperatures may become slightly unbearable for those that already are lucky enough to not have winter. In fact, maybe everyone should move to Alberta. Except Mexicans. They will need to make sure they get their Visas. We wouldn't want them sticking around too long...taking the jobs we don't want and being too friendly. Darn Mexicans.
  7. Don't eat the ugly fruit. Fruit should be pretty. If it's not pretty, insist it's thrown out. Fruits and vegetables should be shiny, colorful and perfectly shaped. After all, we deserve the best don't we? Same goes for beef. If it's not bright red (meaning it likely has dye in it) it's probably not good. Throw it out.
  8. Eat Beef. As much as possible, and preferably only steak. Cows take up a lot of land and consume a lot of grain. They emit a lot of methane too. Even though beef makes us fat, clogs our arteries and consumes our other resources, it's important that we keep this industry alive. Our population will likely decrease due to crazy weather, heat in the south and a diminishing amount of water anyway, so we might as well eat like kings while we can!
  9. Take Prescription Drugs. Have an ache? Take a pill. Too fat? There's a pill for that too! This one may not help get us longer summers, but it will certainly have an effect on the economy! Most drugs have side effects that eventually will lead to the need for further treatment. So as long as you start, we can make sure that you continue to support this important industry for the rest of your life! How perfect is that?!
So there you have it. 9 steps to ensure a longer summer. If you have some more suggestions, I'd love to hear them!

Now, maybe you don't agree with me, and perhaps I've even offended you, but at least I hope this makes you think. What is your impact in our world? What kind legacy do you want to leave here? And what are you going to do about it?

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