Monday, April 4, 2011

Single Digit Countdown

As I alluded to in my now once again distant blog post, God does have a plan for us.

It's amazing to see the work He has done on our lives over the last few months. And where to start with His greatness?

Well, as I mentioned before, September was a particularly difficult month for us. But just as the month began with great disappointment and pain, it ended in surprising good fortune and greatness.

I was pregnant! Again. And already!

From the beginning I was cautious about getting too excited too soon, but I knew in my heart of hearts that this little one was not going anywhere.

The beginning of my pregnancy saw me seeing the doctor I had seen when I was pregnant with Eavan, and me insisting on getting blood work drawn to test both my progesterone and HCG levels to ensure everything was looking A-ok. And I was grateful to see it was. Because I had gotten pregnant again so soon, I had an ultrasound at the beginning of my pregnancy to get a due date. When I went in for the ultrasound, I was a bit surprised when the tech said they couldn't see anything. So, I left the office with a comforting note of "Cannot confirm viability, Rescan in 3 weeks".

Apparently I must have found out ridiculously early that I was pregnant. When I returned in just over 3 weeks, we were happy to see that there was a little heart beating and that there was indeed a little babe growing within me. I was then 8 weeks pregnant.

Once we saw that heartbeat and that our little bean was growing, I was able to breathe a little easier.

I am now 31 weeks pregnant! Which means I am starting the single digit countdown. At least until my "guess date". I'm happy to grow our little blessing as long as is needed.

I am loving all the little kicks and rolls. And Eavan getting up in the morning to kiss my belly and tell her baby brother she loves him? You want to talk about God melting your heart? To see my daughter love like she does already, that truly is a gift. Now I just pray she still loves him so gently and sweetly when he makes his arrival!

Which will be at home, by the way. And we are beyond thrilled! We have had the pleasure of having our prenatal care with our Blessingway Midwives, Jenn and Jess. Jenn, who was my amazing and loving nurse when I was in the hospital to deliver Eavan, and whom I had wished many, many times would have been the one to actually deliver her, will be by my side once more to welcome our son!

Yes, God has blessed us richly. Both Duane and I have grown in our faith so much over the last few months (which is a whole other long post), and it is amazing to feel the love that God has for us. The love that we have as a family is His most precious and greatest gift. If we have nothing else, we have each other...and we have Him. And I am so grateful.

Saturday, February 5, 2011

In a moment.

Wow, it's only been 7 months since my last post. Or has it been longer? Well coincidentally (or maybe not so much), just one day after deciding to leave Facebook, I find myself looking for something to do, so here I am. Hoping to distract myself with all the right things this time. And since it's been about the same period of time since I've done any writing at all, I think it's time I kick it up a notch.

A lot can change in 7 months. Everything can change in just 7 months. I'm not even sure I'm the same person I was last time I wrote. In fact I know I'm not.

So what's changed? What's happened?

Well, to start things off, we found out at the end of August that we were pregnant. This was a very welcome and exciting moment for us. Because unlike little Miss E, baby #2 wasn't as eager to join our family as we hoped. But after months of trying, we were finally expecting to welcome a new addition to our family. And we were beyond excited!

However, God had a different plan for us. From the moment I found out I was pregnant, things just didn't quite feel right. I had a lot of anxiety. And I just felt off. I was moody and grumpy; mood swings from one extreme to the other, which while some might quickly attribute to crazy pregnancy hormones, I just knew it wasn't me. And I was exhausted. Far beyond anything I had ever felt before. Just a week and a half after getting that positive test, I woke up one morning to blood. And I knew the baby was gone. And I was broken.

In the smallest of moments, life can flip you upside down.

I had only known I was pregnant for a short time, but it's amazing how everything changes almost immediately.

September was a difficult month for us. Spiritually, I would say that both Duane and I were at a serious low point. We never really talked about how we felt about our loss. Which made me feel alone in the emotions I was feeling. Did he blame me? Was it my fault? Were we being punished? On top of that we had all sorts of trouble with our turning two year old. We had decided it was time to toss the pacifier, E's constant bedtime companion. Which in itself wasn't a particularly joyful experience. Then E learned how to jump out of her crib. And so we moved into a toddler bed within days of tossing the paci. And she also learned how to open doors. So, September was a month of minimal sleep, a lot to do, and little time to mourn.

But God has a plan for us...