Saturday, February 5, 2011

In a moment.

Wow, it's only been 7 months since my last post. Or has it been longer? Well coincidentally (or maybe not so much), just one day after deciding to leave Facebook, I find myself looking for something to do, so here I am. Hoping to distract myself with all the right things this time. And since it's been about the same period of time since I've done any writing at all, I think it's time I kick it up a notch.

A lot can change in 7 months. Everything can change in just 7 months. I'm not even sure I'm the same person I was last time I wrote. In fact I know I'm not.

So what's changed? What's happened?

Well, to start things off, we found out at the end of August that we were pregnant. This was a very welcome and exciting moment for us. Because unlike little Miss E, baby #2 wasn't as eager to join our family as we hoped. But after months of trying, we were finally expecting to welcome a new addition to our family. And we were beyond excited!

However, God had a different plan for us. From the moment I found out I was pregnant, things just didn't quite feel right. I had a lot of anxiety. And I just felt off. I was moody and grumpy; mood swings from one extreme to the other, which while some might quickly attribute to crazy pregnancy hormones, I just knew it wasn't me. And I was exhausted. Far beyond anything I had ever felt before. Just a week and a half after getting that positive test, I woke up one morning to blood. And I knew the baby was gone. And I was broken.

In the smallest of moments, life can flip you upside down.

I had only known I was pregnant for a short time, but it's amazing how everything changes almost immediately.

September was a difficult month for us. Spiritually, I would say that both Duane and I were at a serious low point. We never really talked about how we felt about our loss. Which made me feel alone in the emotions I was feeling. Did he blame me? Was it my fault? Were we being punished? On top of that we had all sorts of trouble with our turning two year old. We had decided it was time to toss the pacifier, E's constant bedtime companion. Which in itself wasn't a particularly joyful experience. Then E learned how to jump out of her crib. And so we moved into a toddler bed within days of tossing the paci. And she also learned how to open doors. So, September was a month of minimal sleep, a lot to do, and little time to mourn.

But God has a plan for us...